whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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