I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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