I'm going to jail i love you
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
