first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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