I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
