I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
