i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He felt like a one man threesome
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
