if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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