you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Randomize
