mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
