Your favorite bartender is back from prision
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
