too bad you live with your parents still
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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