Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
