We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
You are the jesus of drinking
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
