Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
