Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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