Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize