Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
