when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
