plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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