When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
