About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it because I queefed?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
