Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
