I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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