My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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