mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
