i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
