Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
