we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
