your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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