After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
