two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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