May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
