Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize