don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
