I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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