I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
