Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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