If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
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