i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
