your parents love me but you hate me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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