ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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