You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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