I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
