how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
