yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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