You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
