Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We are two peas in an std pod
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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