3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just wanna soil my oats bro
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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