I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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