YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
