i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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