Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
