Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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