??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
