dude i'm inner monologue high
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Ladies don't puke and tell
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
