the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize