i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
