I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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