Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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